Are you the type to always turn your nose up at fancy lady face potions? Well, tough tits, sister - the days when you could get rid of last night's makeup on the sheets of your latest sexual conquest and still look great on your road to shame are over, over, over. It's time to get serious about your skincare regime before the ravages of time and your own bad habits really catch up with you.
The editors at cooseon Beauty Fridge are just kidding! You're already too late.
Step 1: Cleanse
Choose a gentle cleanser to remove makeup, dirt, sweat, and the thin layer of flakes that accumulates after a day of talking to your boss. Wipe gently and try to accept the fact that you'll never be truly clean.
Step 2: Tone
A toner forms the base to prepare your skin for the treatment that follows. Apply it to your skin with a cotton ball or pat it on with your hands. If you find those parts turn into slaps, well - you know what you've done.
Step 3: Retinol
Retinol serum promotes your skin's self-renewal, removes layers of neglect, and burns away the memory of all the hundreds of little decisions you've made that have even led to your life.
Step 4: Hyaluronic Acid Extract
No one knows what the fuck this is or what it does. Just put it on your face and think about how jealous you feel of the bright young things everyone in the office is charmingly pixie cut to feel suspiciously close to lusting for.
Step 5: Moisturize
Time will suck the moisture out of your face and certainly the joy out of your life, so make sure your night cream is of the highest quality. Apply generously and try to rid yourself of the feeling that your early neck droop is a sign of moral failure.
Step 6: Facial push-ups
This is one of those things you read on Goop, a site that shows up on your Facebook feed as something you "like" despite your burning, lifelong hatred of Gwyneth Paltrow; you go on to see if the crap about vaginal rejuvenation eggs might be true, and then all of a sudden, you start to Perform a 10-minute facial exercise program designed to "reduce your age." Making faces and kissing noises on the ceiling while imagining all the ways Gwyneth will die when the revolution comes.
Step 7: Duct tape
Tape your neck back and see what a neck lift would look like. Tape your eyes up. Tape your nose like a pig's snout and mumble "squeal, squeal, piglet" in your reflection. Think of Sharon Tate and wonder if she'd be doing these damn routines right now if she were alive.
Step 8: Wrongly wave bat wings at yourself in the mirror.
Fascinated by how wide the arc can be from the top of the swing to the lowest point. Wondering if arm Spanx is the same thing. Go check on Google; they certainly are. Suddenly imagine yourself as a wax figure in a museum where the air conditioning has been permanently extinguished.
Step 9: Immerse your entire body (face, obvs) in a pool of sacred stone filled with virgin blood.
Soak for ten minutes. The air dries.
Step 10: New face
Hop on Amazon and buy new faces - it's easy.
Weekly Bonus: Face Masks
Choose a mask that fits your specific problem. Put the mask on your face and take a selfie. Take 10 minutes to come up with a witty Instagram caption - about zombies. Halloween? The masks we all wear? - You seem to spend most of your time these days before dropping posts and sinking deeper into the bathwater/deep pit of inertia and exhaustion. Peeing in the tub because who the fuck cares anymore.
Learn more about skincare at cooseon.com.
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